1. Cuddle in bed with a warm cup of tea and a good book.
2. Get an IUD. Be safe.
3. Pretend to not recognize the song the guy that you like just showed you so that he can feel better about himself.
4. Make soup.
5. Count how many grapes have you eaten throughout your life.
6. Hurry up.
7. Plan every day of your life for the next 3 years. Commit to nothing.
8. Pet your dog. If you don't have one, go get one (or borrow it at least).
9. Build a Cathedral.
10. Stay inside, silly, it's raining.
So he did in fact disappear for an entire week. Left me on delivered. Not even read.
I know I'm also the first one to say that texting "expectations" or "rules" are stupid, but how is it ok that on Saturday night he comes over, we have sex, and then we talk for hours about silly things while looking into each others eyes, and then he fucking ignores me for almost an entire week. The only reason why he even thought of texting me today being that I saw his best friend and she asked me how things were going and I said "idk". How does that seem fair for me?
The other important bit of context is that this was midterms week. I understand that, believe me I was also insanely busy, and had to be worried about my school work. Of course. But you cannot tell me that from the 24 hours that each day has, he could not devote 2 minutes to text me back. "Hey, I'm locked in for this week" or "Hey, I have two big midterms, I might be a little faddy" or whatever the fuck his heart desired.
I am mad, but do I have the right to be so? He texted me the following this morning:
Heyy u
Srry I've been so locked in this week
Miss u
*kiss face emoji*
"HEYY U" omfg. That went right through me. Pissed me the fuck off. Heyy u. After a whole week of nothing. I really want to cry and I really feel stupid for even wanting to. We are not dating, I know. I know that. But even so, we are "talking" and he won't even TEXT BACK. For fuck's sake. If what he wants is just the sex, he can also say that. Believe me I'm 20, I'm flexible about this kind of arrangement, but there is no way in hell that I find it ok for him to come hang and pretend to be interested in me in a "let's date" way and the pull this shit.
I definitely am not asking him to hang out every day, or to even text me every day. but Jesus Fucking Christ, can you at least text me back?
I can't remember the last time I felt this stupid. God I hate feeling this way. So used, so dirty and so stupid for ever believing that these guys will be any different. They are not.
Also, maybe it doesn't even matter that much but the fact that he couldn't even text "Sorry" but chose to do "Srry" instead. God.
1. My GOV class. So much non-fiction reading that I'm not enjoying even though I think it's interesting.
2. That the girl my ex cheated-on with hasn't graduated. She's also my sorority sister.
3. The line outside of frats.
4. Snow in fucking April.
5. That I fall into terrible creative slumps every time I'm here.
6. That he hasn't texted me today.
7. That college costs money I don't have.
8. That every girl looks like they got lip filer over the summer.
9. That is not summer.
10. The terrible uncertainty of not knowing what is my next step when everyone around me seems to have a plan, or at least an idea of what they are doing after graduation and I have nothing. I spent so much of my time in high school thinking that the ultimate goal was to end up a a good college and now that I'm here I have no clue what to do next. I do have dreams and aspirations but I'm anxious all the time about them, because they do not feel "good enough" because they are not dreams of a great 9-5 that will provide me with great wealth while it sucks all the happiness and desire out of my soul. I fear I don't want to sit all day in an office that kills my soul and makes me wish I was never born. I want to write. I want a job in the humanities that lets me be surrounded by people that also care. Actually, people that don't care are also ok, I just want to have a village that needs me so that when I need them I know they'll be there. I just don't want to be alone at 11pm in a dark office while I regret all the life choices that led me to be a sad accountant that can pay rent but wishes to die.
A couple of weeks ago, I started university again. I'm taking classes again and it feels so weird to go from having a "job" and almost complete agency over my time to being in school where, of course, there are rules, and expectations, and the whole "social life" thing here depends on what fucking Greek Houses ended up accepting you. That is not to say that you can't build real friendships here, but it's hard. It's hard and also exhausting and I'm not sure I want to feel like that anymore.
When I left to be off for 3 months, I thought I was going to hate my time away from here, but I didn't. I really came to appreciate my time off-campus and the freedom that comes with doing something on your own.
I also just started seeing someone. I also just started writing again. Are these correlated? I'd like to think not, but they might be. He just looked at me. He's sitting across the table. He's cute.
Anyways, this small town kills me sometimes. Most of the times, actually. I'm not sure what to do about it, because I think I like the chokehold, I like the warmth of familiar hands around my neck even if what they want to do is kill me. I'd rather be killed by this warmth than embraced by a stranger anytime.
Recently I've experienced a weird feeling of not know anything. Not even knowing what are the things i like. I feel like I can't confidently tell you what is my favorite book, or what things I did as a kid, or where I'd like to live after college. I know nothing.
